Once again, I failed

I wonder how many times does this make?

I know feeling pathetic and miserable can't do anything but... why? Why does this always happen to me? I can't help but think that I'm the problem. Did I do something wrong? Why is it that I'm always weak? Coward? Worthless? Pathetic? Just why am I still existing?

Like pests gnawing inside, it continues to swallow me up, slowly but surely, until I cannot breathe. Why am I always like this? What is wrong with me?

I know I'm not 'normal', I know. That's why I tried - no, I'm still trying to function 'normally' because I am painfully aware that I am not.

But why? Why do I always find myself destroying everything that I worked on? Every precious opportunity that I managed to grab with my own scarred hands? Just why?

Is it really because of me? Because I am fucked up? Or because that's just the way it is? That's just how the world works for fucked up people like me?

I don't understand. The more I'm trying to think, the more unpleasant voices in my head prevails.

I just want to let go. To drown everything.

That includes me.