Message in a bottle

I know I have to leave.

I am bound to leave.

Your world is not mine. In fact, there's no world that I can call 'mine' in the first place. I am but a mere traveler. A homeless person. A drifter.

I should've kept my distance. Like I did before in many worlds I've been. Like I've done for centuries or more. I should've obeyed my brother. I should've stayed as an observer.

But like a moth to a flame, I am attracted to your flame.

I don't know how and what happened. As I open my eyes every morning and try to live on my own - everything's blurry and gray, but still livable - we somehow crossed paths. Once, twice, then soon we got each other's back. A camaraderie that I thought I won't get to experience again.

It made me happy that for someone like you who works alone - I'm a presence that's helpful and tolerable.

You made me curious. Why are you doing what you're doing, what happened to you. Then, I started to care - a feeling I never felt towards someone not my kin. I started doing extra 'work' to ease your burden. I started to concern myself in your affairs. Something an observer cannot - should not - do.

I should've known, this is where it started.

My eyes can't help but to search for you in the crowd. My feet unconsciously takes me to places where you might be - even if it's a tavern and I don't really drink. I consider it a good day when I saw a glimpse of you and I smile to myself at night when we were together - even if today, I was bruised or battered. As days go by, it became vivid, more beautiful.

I should've known, I'm falling deeper.

Slowly but surely, like a moth circling near, I'm getting close - closer than I anticipated. So close that I didn't even realized that I'm already engulfed in your flames

I tried to stay away. To keep my distance. To go back to what I was.

But it's too late to get away.

I'm already burning.

Your red eyes that pierces my soul when you stare. Searching for answers that I can't give nor explain. The same red eyes that looked at me with gentleness and understanding, even when you know nothing.

Your sincere smile - so gentle, so rare, so precious. Unlike your cold demeanor, your smile brings warmth; to my cheeks, to my heart. I wonder how many more ladies will fall for you if they see you smile. I know this sounds selfish but I'm glad you don't smile that much. I'm glad that you're smile is directed at me, only to me.

Your hair like your eyes, red, like a burning sun. I remember that night when there's only moonlight reflected in your pale white skin while your hair, not tied, some rested on your back, some were tangled on my fingers look so vivid, so alive, so beautiful. That night, I was wrapped with moonlight and fire.

Your touch - yes, your touch burns me. It did not leave just a trail, it burned a mark on me. A mark that I know no matter how many centuries - will never be erased. Like an emblem, your mark will be with me forever - however long that is.

Your nose. Your mouth. Your lips. Your voice. You consume me - my thoughts, my everything.

I tried to forget that I have to go. I made up excuses to myself so I can stay a bit longer. But as days pass by, as I fall deeper, I know I have to go. Like your devotion in what you're doing, I too have something I'm devoted to do. And I know you also know it.

I began to regret. I should've stayed away. Not because I will be hurt but because I know you will get hurt. You've already suffered enough. I'm sorry I will be another painful memory. I'm sorry. I really am.

We should've stayed as good memories. Just someone that passed by. Someone that we can both easily say good bye and move on with our lives.

But we didn't.

Because I can't. Because you can't.

Because we can't.

Our feelings are too much, too overflowing, to be just mere passerby.

"I'll wait" you said with determination laced in your fiery red eyes. "I'll always be here so you can just come back"

I wanted to say "Okay. Wait for me, I'll be back" but I didn't because that's a lie. I never know when, if, I'll be coming back. I even wanted to say, "Please, go with me" but I didn't because I know you need to be there, to fulfill your life long devotion, because that's who you are.

I didn't respond but just smiled. And I know, you knew I won't be coming back.

For you, this might seem like a temporary separation but I know, after everything, after I gained back everything that's taken from me, after I meet my brother, it won't be temporary anymore. I will go back to what I am, a drifter of worlds. So I have to leave now or else, it'll be more painful. To you.

But knowing doesn't mean it would be less painful.

As I turn my back on a place that's close to what they call 'home', I willed my feet to walk. To move.

Each step I take stabs something in my chest. Painful. Like a gravity, something is pulling me to turn back. But I need to move, I need to leave, no matter how much it's killing me. No matter how much I just wanted to stay. No matter how much I want to run back into your arms again.

I still come back somewhere near your place. I'm always wondering how you are; Are you sleeping normally? Are you eating well? I don't have the courage to find you nor go to places where I might see you. I'm afraid I won't have the courage to leave the second time once I see you... I'm sorry for being selfish until the end.

I'm writing this letter with no thoughts of sending this to you. Instead, I will put this in a bottle, sealed - just like my feelings for you, and let it drift in the sea hoping my sorrow, my yearning will drift along with it. There's also a wishful thinking that this letter may find you but considering my luck, my fate, I don't think that will be the case. Still... If ever you might read this, I wish that you'll find happiness because you deserve it more than anyone else. And... I won't ask for your forgiveness and I deserve to be forgotten but please remember this: True to your vision, you brought warmth in places I never thought was cold. In the midst of my loneliness, you are the one that proved to me I'm not alone. I am really grateful that I met you, know you. And even if we won't meet again,my feelings for you will always be there. Silently burning. Always. Forever.

Love,

L